After the Atlantic published a cover story by Jesse Singal Monday entitled “When Children Say They’re Trans,” I received an email from Caroline Kitchener, an associate editor at the magazine. It read, in part:

I’m looking for parents of trans or gender non-binary kids to respond to our latest cover story. Much of the piece reads almost like a letter to this group—of which I know you’re a part—and we’d like to start a thoughtful, productive conversation around it. I read your great essay in the Detroit Free Press, and am wondering if you might want to participate: What does Jesse get right in the piece, and what does he get wrong? What could be the potential implications of a piece like this?

I responded that I’d be happy to participate, and then I started to read. Singal’s piece is deeply reported, detailed and LONG – about 12,000 words. Deeply reported does not mean unbiased, however. By the time I was done, I had mixed emotions. I won’t parse the article line-by-line; others have done that already, as I discovered when I dug deeper online. Still, I didn’t want to entirely dismiss the Atlantic; I want more people to think and talk about gender. With that in mind, here’s the the response I submitted:

As the parent of a non-binary adult child, I read Jesse Singal’s article with interest. I’m glad he wrote it, because it contributes to an important conversation. However, while the piece reveals a few shades of gray in what can easily become a black and white discussion, it does not do enough to help parents like me navigate the confusing world of gender identity.

Focusing almost exclusively on the merits of transitioning is not useful to anyone – parents of transgender children or the curious general public. The issues Singal explores are far more complex and multi-faceted; I presume that most of his sources have an agenda. I have one too: I want more parents to set aside their fears and first listen to their children without judgment when those children gather the courage to talk about gender identity.

The gender spectrum as a whole deserves more discussion. Singal does not mention non-binary youth, except in passing. It took me a while to wrap my head around the idea that gender exists on a spectrum – that it goes beyond male and female. If more people understood that, we could all engage in more meaningful conversations.

While it’s helpful to read articles about trans issues in mainstream publications, this piece plays on our worst fears. I acknowledge those fears. I experienced them myself: What if it’s a phase? What if something else is really wrong, and this is not the solution? Damn that Internet! But dwelling on fears doesn’t help our children.

When my child first came out, I couldn’t find anything to read that wasn’t either clinical or geared toward young people. I craved the voices of concerned, supportive parents who wanted to do the right thing but weren’t sure what that meant. So my husband and I stuck with the values that have guided us as parents for 20 years: Listen. Take a breath, then listen again. Try hard not to judge in the moment.

Parenting is hard. We all do our best in a range of uncertain situations. I don’t like good/bad, right/wrong narratives about anything, least of all issues that matter to my family.

Unfortunately, you can’t read that response online, or the other responses (which I have not seen) because they are behind a paywall. I’ve asked for access, which I hope to have in the next day or two. I’ll keep you posted. Gender identity is an important topic of discussion. I don’t want the nuances of that discussion to get lost in a debate over whether or not we should trust young people’s intrinsic knowledge about who they are in the world.