The essay I have been looking for either hasn’t been written, hasn’t been published, or is hidden beyond my search engine’s reach. I have been composing it in my head for months, but now I can write the first draft, because Friday my child came out to the world. 
The essay I’m not done writing is about becoming the parent of a queer, non-binary, young adult child. I say becoming because until my eldest came out, I told myself I had a daughter. Now I am getting used to the idea of having a non-binary child. And while that distinction may seem merely a clumsy trick of the English language, the implications run deep. More on that another time.
My husband and I are experiencing something that is both utterly unique and increasingly common. Here’s a peek into the types of conversations I’ve had during the last year with well-meaning relatives and friends.
|
Friend’s Response to the News |
My Reaction |
| I hear you. We’re having the same conversation in my house. | Let’s talk. |
| What you are describing is scientifically impossible. There are two sexes: male and female, and therefore two genders. | That’s not helpful. And anyway, I’m talking about gender, not biological sex. Gender has always been a social construct (which changes by era and culture.) Some say sex is constructed too. |
| Do you think it’s a phase? | No. And even if it were, what difference would that make? I want to keep the lines of communication open and help my child find a comfortable home in the world – with or without me. If I deny their reality, I will be shutting that door. |
| This is just kids’ latest way to try to be unique. They’ll grow out of it. | The fact that many of the people who (publicly) identify as non-binary happen to be under 25 does not mean this gender identity doesn’t exist for older people. They may not have had the language or the need for it, or they just might not be sharing it with you. Wait a few years until non-binary is more familiar to the mainstream public. You’ll be hearing more of this. |
| My child says the same thing. I think it’s because she’s depressed. | If you think your child is depressed, I encourage you to get them help to deal with that directly. Please don’t deny your child’s identity. |
| I’m so sorry. I feel terrible for you.
|
Keep your pity to yourself. It is both misguided and unwelcome. As soon as you smugly think to yourself, “Thank God it’s not my kid” you separate yourself from my family and make us feel isolated. Deal with your discomfort away from me. |
| You are amazing (brave/courageous/etc). I couldn’t possibly handle this. | Annoying and unhelpful. See “I’m so sorry,” above. |
| That’s ridiculous. “They” is a plural pronoun. | Language is always evolving. Get used to it. |
| Can’t you just use “they” when you’re together and use the old pronoun with everyone else? | Language matters, and I have been asked to change mine. The best way to get used to that change is to use the preferred pronouns all the time. The more others hear “they” in reference to one person, the more familiar it will become, and the more welcome and comfortable my child (and other non-binary folks) will be in our communities. |
| I am completely confused. | That’s ok. You don’t have to get it all at once. |
I love my child. They are exactly the same artsy, sensitive, insightful person they have always been – same concern for the world, same love of farming, poetry, Judaism and family, same funky sense of style. I’ll keep exploring and share my experience along the way. In the meantime, friends, go educate yourselves. Here are some places to start:
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/6-common-mistakes-trans-allies/
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/problem-with-educate-me/
Writing It Down 
Totally get this. And, you know where to find me if you need additional resources.
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Thank you for putting onto words what parents, like me, have been trying to express for years. My trans-male, eldest child, Sam, came out to family 2 years ago. I have heard ” Do you think it’s a phase?” more times than I can count. I have also been told that he is a sinner and that I am so “courageous “. He is not, and I am not. I love my son, unconditionally, as I know you do yours. We are Moms. And our children will always be our children. No matter how they define or identify. I can’t wait to read what you write next, Susan.
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I’m right there with you. Well said
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Thank you, Deanna. It’s nice to hear validation.
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Kim, thanks for your comment. It means a lot to me.
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I love this piece. Words have meaning and you provide a good guide. My daughter is at Camp Tavor this summer and they begin every introduction with name followed by preferred pronouns. It’s a learning for everyone and creates a safe, welcoming, happy, new norming environment.
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Joanne, that’s so encouraging. Tavor is definitely on the cutting edge there. Your daughter and her friends will enter adulthood with the tools and awareness they need to make the world a better place for all of us.
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Wow. This is a very insightful article. I have grown to feel and react in very similar ways as the writer. It feels so comfortable to me as the mother of a non-binary adult child, to read articles like this and know that other moms have the same thoughts, feelings, reactions !
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Ellen, thank you for your comment. I’m so glad the post was meaningful to you.
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I am 35. I was born in 1982. I am non-binary.
We didn’t have the language. (And boy, did we need it!)
(Imagine what it’s like to try to figure out what you are when the word for what you are, you don’t know, and possibly doesn’t even exist yet! When you keep trying on words that DO exist, and none of them QUITE work… it’s like trying on a dress that sorta fits, but doesn’t really fit your particular body right, and it’s uncomfortable. Sure, you can pull it over your head and zip it up, but that doesn’t mean it actually fits WELL or RIGHT. Or is comfortable. Or looks good on you. So you put it back on the rack. But what happens when ALL of the dresses are like that? That’s what its like to live before the word for who you are exists, at least to your knowledge.)
(And as per “they is a plural pronoun”, everyone has used it for YEARS (decades at least) in the singular when they don’t know the gender of the person they’re talking about. (usu. someone they haven’t met yet, when they don’t know the gender because all they have is an ambiguous name (Sam) or a title (Dr. Robinson.) Or, alternately, when talking about a person in the abstract. (the generalized “you”)) They just don’t realize they have because it’s been so 2nd nature. And you might say “oh, that’s pluralized” but there’s definitely times when you’re talking about an individual from that plural group, and you use they.)
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope you’re wearing a “dress” that fits now. Best wishes to you.
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I came across this today, and I needed it. My youngest (Lee) is becoming Violet Leigh and I needed to read this. This has been a difficult time for all involved, not because of what he is doing, but because he is married, and well, she is an absolutely wonderful person and like a daughter. I am amazed at how mature they have both been. They love each other deeply, and it is only because of this love, that they are getting through this. They both realize that they can’t remain married and both be happy, and this has been heartbreaking for all involved. Extreme counseling has taken place and they are moving forward with a divorce and she has moved closer to home, but not home, as she is very hurt by the comments of her parents about Violet. They feel that in order for them to both become the person they need to be that they need to be apart. She wants him to be happy, and he wishes the same for her. I am amazed at the maturity they seem to have, while I am amazed at the lack of maturity the “adults” seem to have. They talk almost daily to make sure they are each okay.
And Miranda still calls me and I will always be there, she will always be my daughter, she’s kinda stuck with me. I tell her to remain strong, she must be who she wants to be, even if that means she is not married to my daughter anymore. She will never not be a part of my family and she will always be welcome in my home, no matter what the future turns out to be. My sister said she was team Miranda, I told her there were no “teams” at this time, and we hoped that there would not be any formed in the future. If there was a team it would be team “US” I am tired of people saying … Oh, he needs help! I will pray for him. Well we all need prayers, prayers for understanding, as for getting help he has very good help, from professionals, and clergy, and family that love and accept him. Some go so far as to say, well, I sorry you lost your child….I’m like, I didn’t loose him, I know where he is and all. They say but you’re a Christian, so you can’t accept him, not like that. Yes I am a Christian, and I believe God loves all his children, every single one of them, even if you don’t. Anyway, glad I found you. I am now following you and look forward to your blogs.
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I’m so glad my words touched you and that you found them helpful. I am learning every day that being a supportive parent and ally means going outside my comfort zone in order to support someone I love. I see you enacting that as well and I wish you and your family all the best.
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Lisa, you are obviously an amazing parent and in-law. It seems that you are already doing everything right, if there is a right way to do anything. Violet Leah and MIranda are both lucky to have you in their lives. I hope this transition goes smoothly for all involved.
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Thank you! I am glad I found this blog, it helps, a lot.
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Thanks for writing this! I am a non-binary transfeminine person and it’s awesome to see parents putting in the work to understand their non-binary children. Keep it up!
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Thank you for posting this. My oldest child, 19, is non-binary and I am trying to be as supportive as I can. I adore S. and want the best for them. I also struggle with missing the person they were before. I feel tremendous guilt about this and wondered if anyone knows any good resources to process? I have been very careful to keep those feelings to myself. S. is so much happier and more confident now and I love that. Everyone wants their kids to be happy. I just don’t know what to do with my own stubborn emotions.
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I think about this a lot. At all stages of parenting, we envision who our children will be and how they will move through the world. Often we are wrong. This is particularly challenging with gender. That guilt is utterly human, and I hope you can find the support you deserve so you can accept it and work through it (reading, therapy, friends, community organizations are all good possibilities.) I’m constantly on the lookout for resources, so stay tuned and I’ll post what I find. Unfortunately, I haven’t found much, which is why I write about it. Time helps too. The farther I move away from the expectations I had for my child, the easier it is to celebrate who they are and not what I expected them to be. It can also be so confusing! Our kids are approximately the same age, and I first heard the word non-binary just a few years ago. So hang in there, and be kind to yourself.
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I struggle to with keeping emotions to myself on my child’s new non binary terms and pronouns. I want to be supportive and have been using the correct pronouns but am having difficulty with them wanting me to call them by a new name. They say they don’t identify with such a feminine name as the one we picked for them when she was born. I feel hurt. Like I’m grieving the loss of the daughter I once had and by calling them this new name will be the death of my baby girl. I know it’s just a name but I don’t like mine and I learned to deal with it. Why can’t their friends and everyone else call them this new gender neutral name but I as the mom still call them by their birth name? I have been supportive through this whole process for them and even an advocate but I’m just frustrated over the name issue. I don’t want my awesome relationship with my adult child to decline over a name but…. i don’t know…it’s just hard sometimes.
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I’ve learned that it’s perfectly normal to be both supportive and frustrated/confused. If you’re anything like me, your feelings will change and develop. Sometimes you’ll feel sad because, as you’ve noted, this is a type of loss, while other times you’ll be thrilled to have such a terrific relationship with your adult child. None of us get to choose who our children become. Names have tremendous power. I suspect that for your child, the new name confirms their identity. Those who use it confirm that identity as well. I hope you have a dear friend or relative you can vent to who won’t judge you for feeling natural mom feelings. Scream, yell and shake your fists! And then hug your child and call them by their chosen name.
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I’m so happy I found your blog. I finally have someone who can relate. Thanks for sharing.
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So thankful to have found this blog! Our nearly 20 year old child came out to us as non-binary (agender to be specific) two days ago and we quite frankly are having a difficult time with it. We know we will get through it, but right now seem to be experiencing a sense of loss (illogical as our child is still the same person, but yet the feeling is there) We love our child regardless, that is not in question, nor ever will be. The pro-noun issue is one we know we will struggle with for some time, but we will get there.To refer to them as child, instead of daughter is the most difficult. Most information out there seems to be aimed at parents of younger children, and how to raise a non-binary child….very little for parents of adult children who have come to that realization on their own.
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I’m so glad you found this helpful. I understand the sense of loss. Of course it’s manageable, since our children are still alive, but coming to terms with such significant changes is hard. You sound like a caring parent who will figure it out. Best of luck to you and your family. Your child is lucky to have you.
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I’ve been searching for a site like this to find other parents I can relate to…not easy to find BTW… I experienced many of the same feelings…but the one I’m having the hardest time with personally is rejection. Logically, I know my child is not rejecting me as a mother but emotionally I feel rejected as a woman. Let me explain: I consider myself a feminist and was raising a strong, independent, outspoken feminist “female at birth” child. They came out as non-binary at a very young age and we were uneducated on the matter and did not handle it well, thought it was a phase and continued using feminine pronouns. They wrote me a letter recently, because they are amazing at the written word – but definitely on the shy side when it comes to talking about feelings. It broke my heart to find out how much our reaction had hurt them. After reading the letter, we spoke for hours and were able to apologize for the way we handled it all those years ago. Just the look of relief on their face was amazing, like a ten tonne weight was lifted. Their happiness is my #1 job as a parent and I had initially failed.
So I have grieved the “loss” of my baby girl and I fully embrace this amazing almost-adult child, but I’m still struggling with an illogical sense of rejection and I’m afraid it’s going to stand in the way of our relationship eventually. Can anyone else relate? Explain? Suggest a way to lose this feeling? I don’t understand and cannot process it until I do.
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I hear you, especially this: “Logically, I know my child is not rejecting me as a mother but emotionally I feel rejected as a woman.” I have the same complicated feelings, and I will be writing more about them. I also believe that one of the best examples we can show our children is the how to accept responsibility, apologize and then change our behavior when we’ve hurt them. Parenting is hard. We all do our best, and sometimes we make mistakes. I firmly believe that the mistakes (and how we recover from them) are a big part of the journey. Thank you for writing, and stay in touch.
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I’ve read this post more than once since my kid came out to me as non binary. I just need to give a shout out somewhere to all the self-correctors out there. For all those friends and advocates who are working hard to make sure my kid feels accepted for who they are…
Every time you use an old pronoun and then immeadiately update in an almost hyphenated fashion… we hear you. We hear you trying.
And we thank you for your efforts.
It’s not automatic or easy to make this adjustment or to admit a mistake in the same breath, in your very next word… to a child. I just want to give credit where it is due.
That’s all I have to say about that.
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I feel the same way. Thank you for putting this in words.
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anyone know of a support group for parents of non binary kids?
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What area do you live in? There is always Google.
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I’ll keep my eyes open. Are you looking for something local or is online ok?
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I’ll never find anything local in my little town of 300 so online is just fine. Sometimes I just want to talk about my own personal issues when it comes to my child. For instance: my kid is 18 – an adult but what do I say even in this message…”child”. Child just doesn’t seem right for an 18 year old. They are my daughter or my son….is their a word out there to use? This is just one of the questions that ponder me.
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Check out standwithtrans.org. Their support groups are local (metro Detroit), but they are well connected, and Roz Keith, the founder, knows trans allies around the country. Tell her I suggested getting in touch. Also take a look at this page on their website: http://standwithtrans.org/about-us/. You might find someone on the board or advisory council who can point you toward relevant resources or an online support community.
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My goodness i can I relate to this blog. Especially Kayma… The irony that I impressed upon the two people I birthed and raised on my own, was that they never let somebody else to define them… Not to be caught up with labels…that they were their own person…blah blah blah. It is almost almost funny that I am having such an issue. I don’t care if someone is non-binary or binary. I think what’s really getting to me is the loss of the way I’ve connected to my “child”. In a conversation Because I rarely say speak in 3 person pronouns, when speaking g about her, i would say her name.
I am sad. The name has a familial connection/a funny story between my daughter and my now deceased mother. I am in mourning. I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but it is about me. Everything I read says buck up buttercup- if you love your child, get over it, accept it, and move on.
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Sandi, I’m with you 100%. I was recently a guest on a CBC radio program about gender and this is exactly what we talked about. Of course we support our children, but as parents we have a story too, and that story includes a sense of loss.
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You can check it out here https://www.cbc.ca/radio/outintheopen/a-mother-strives-to-understand-and-support-her-non-binary-child-1.4983714
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thanks. I will.
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This was posted a while back, and I’m aware of this, but I’m hoping to reach you, anyway.
My name is Teddy. It’s my chosen name. Something a little less gender-conforming than the name I’m called by my parents.
I’m currently 21 years old, and in June of this year, I came out to my partner and close friends as non-binary.
It’s been a big struggle for me, getting certain people to understand. For my sweetheart of six years, it took quite a bit of readjusting. But once he got past the initial shock, and understood my situation better than before, he accepted me.
It was as if my whole world was so much brighter. So much more vivid, lively and full of color. And suddenly, I felt I understood why Pride was represented with a rainbow.
More often now than before, I overhear him correct a coworker, a friend, or a stranger, and my heart is filled with warmth as he explains without hesitation that I prefer to be called “they”.
My older sister, against all her conservative raisings, was one of the most unexpected, and quickest people to accept me. She affectionately calls me her “brister” (a word of her invention, not mine), despite sibling being a perfectly good, pre-existing word.
When I told her that sibling was totally okay, and would draw less uncomfortable attention, she said that it prompts more people to ask what “brister” means, and she gets to proudly teach them about my gender more often.
I cried.
Anyway, while trying to further educate myself on how to explain my stance to my parents (the final bosses, so to speak), your blog caught my attention.
It has been absolutely refreshing to read your posts, and see things from your perspective. You have been nothing but supportive and understanding to your child, and I am so, so thankful for the wonderful people like you, who make life brighter and more vivid every day.
You give me hope.
Thank you.
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Teddy,
Thank you for sharing your story, and for letting me know that my posts are meaningful. You sound like you have a wonderful, supportive family, and I wish all of you the very best.
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