We like to ask, “What can I do for you?”

Frequently the answer is, “Nothing… but thanks for asking.”

How can this be? If I am sick or lonely or sad, and you ask what I need, shouldn’t I speak up?

A hug.

A gallon of milk.

A basket of laundry, clean and folded.

We answer, “Nothing, thank you,” because we don’t know what we need, or what we need is too much, or we can’t imagine how we would ask for the thing we need.

You didn’t even ask what I need, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I need something big.I need you to practice using my child’s proper pronouns when I am not around.

I need you to practice describing my non-binary child as a non-binary person. If you are my friend, I need you to do this when you talk to our mutual friends. If you are my relative, I need you to use they/them/their with your spouse, your siblings and your children. I need you to correct each other. I need you to do what we do in our house: catch yourself, smile, then repeat whatever you just said, using the proper pronouns.

I need you to do this because I was brave enough to ask; not because you want to. Not because you get it. Not because you need something else to think about in your busy, complicated life.

Let me put it this way: If, heaven forbid, I could no longer walk, you would find ways to get me into your home. If you were a close family member, you’d build a ramp to your front door. You’d make sure I could wheel myself in and out of the bathroom or kitchen. You wouldn’t tell me, “It makes me sad that you’re disabled, but I can’t do anything to help. It’s too much for me right now.”

This is a terrible analogy, but it’s the best I can do. My kid is not disabled. Being non-binary is neither an imperfection nor a tragedy. It is a fact. It is part of my child’s identity.

As a parent, I am doing everything I can to expand the universe in which my child feels comfortable. Being mis-gendered stings. Hearing “she/her/hers” instead of “they/them/theirs” causes my child pain.

Maybe you love my child.

Maybe you love someone like my child.

Maybe you care about me and have never met my child.

I need you to try. Please help me add to the spaces where my child feels comfortable: your home, our synagogue, the school, this neighborhood, our family gatherings.

Now that I’ve asked, I expect some push-back. Because, you see, I’ve had this conversation a hundred times. I am tired of this conversation, but I know it’s what my child needs.

Here are some of the things you might say next … along with how I might respond. Keep reading. And then let’s talk about it.

I have a lot going in my own life. I accept your child’s gender, but don’t ask me to take on something else right now. I’ll do my best when I’m with you, but that’s all I can manage.
I’m sorry you have a lot going on. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know. It is never going to be the “right” time to do this. It won’t be easier in a week or a month or a year. It requires practice, and I need you to get it right sooner rather than later.

You are going to have to cut me some slack. This is hard, and before last month, I had never even heard of people being non-binary.
I know that this is challenging. I just need to know that you are trying. The way you show that is by practicing, and by occasionally catching yourself when you use the incorrect pronouns.

I would do anything for you and your child. But it’s too much to ask me to think about this when you and your child are not even around.
I know this is hard, but I want you to continue to have a relationship with my child. And if you don’t get the pronouns right, they will not feel comfortable with you, and your relationship will suffer. They might not even want to spend time with you. That would break my heart. Trust me. The way to get it right when they are with you is to practice when you are not together. That way, it will be more natural when you are in the same place.

When you say I might no longer have a relationship with your child if I don’t practice, you are threatening me. Stop being so selfish.
I am trying my best to be firm and clear. I do not mean to threaten you in any way. This is the only way I can help you understand how significant this is. This is not a matter of preference or comfort. My child’s gender is a fact. The sooner we get beyond thinking about this every minute of every day, the better. And one way we do that is by getting the pronouns right. That takes a lot of practice. Trust me. I’ve been working on this for more than a year.

This is your issue, not mine.
You say you care about me. You say you want to support me. Today I need something that is hard for you to give. And I need you to give it anyway. I promise to do the same for you. You just have to ask.