Last week I received this comment on my blog, I am the Parent of a Non-binary Child:
I’ve read this post more than once since my kid came out to me as non binary. I just need to give a shout out somewhere to all the self-correctors out there. For all those friends and advocates who are working hard to make sure my kid feels accepted for who they are… Every time you use an old pronoun and then immediately update in an almost hyphenated fashion…we hear you. We hear you trying. And we thank you for your efforts. It’s not automatic or easy to make this adjustment or to admit a mistake in the same breath, in your very next word… to a child. I just want to give credit where it is due.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I just had this conversation with Amy, who has been cutting my hair for as long as we’ve both had children (me first!) She cut my children’s hair when they were younger, and always asks about them. Sometimes she gets Miriam’s pronouns wrong, and I correct her. And we laugh. Because being a mom is complicated enough without giving each other a hard time for something that’s hard to remember.
Don’t apologize, I tell her. Don’t apologize, I tell my friends, my extended family, the people I meet along the way. Just correct yourself. Say it again. Listen to what “they” sounds like, what it feels like in your mouth.
I try to share this message wherever I go. My kid is misgendered all the time – in classrooms and grocery stores, at parties and among new friends at college. The least we can do – those of us who already love them – is practice using their pronouns, even if it’s hard sometimes.
Trust me when I say that people are willing to do this. They just don’t always know how to engage. That came up again this fall, when I taught a one-session course called “Beyond the Binary: Gender Identity and the Role of Community” for SOAR, the Society of Active Retirees, here in metro Detroit. Most of the participants were over age 70, but they filled the room with positive energy and asked terrific, (mostly) respectful questions. I gave them permission to ask me anything, knowing that more than anything, they were curious and confused. What’s all this talk about gender? they wanted to know. Some of them had nonbinary grandchildren or trans nieces and nephews. At least a dozen people shared their personal stories and connections, which suggest to me that another dozen were personally affected but weren’t comfortable speaking up.
When we finished that morning, I gave them one assignment: Go home and tell someone about this session, I said. Tell them, Susan Knoppow, the teacher, has a non-binary child. Their name is Miriam.
Writing It Down 
My daughter, who just turned 12, is often misgendered due to her short hair – even when wearing what seem to be obviously female t-shirts. She has decided, though, within the past year or so first that she felt like “a boy in a girl’s body” then “anonymous” (her word choice) then like she was “transgendered” and more recently seems to have settled more comfortably on non-binary. She currently still uses she/her pronouns.
I would like to add that myself and the others in our household are very supportive of her both as she explores her gender identity and of whatever she ultimately decides.
However, as an adult who grew up in a somewhat conservative household in a time before this was as mainstream as it is now, I find myself struggling too…i find the correct wording because my own understanding seems so limited sometimes, which feels frustrating.
I completely and totally appreciate your blog as a resource because while I am in no way ashamed, it is still nice to know there are other Moms out there who’ve been there too. Thank you for writing this wonderful resource!
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You’re welcome … and thank you for reaching out. Your child is lucky to have a supportive family. Best wishes to all of you.
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Thank you for your insightful words.
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I am coming across your blog as I begin dealing with a child who has become non-binary at age 29. As an English teacher, “they” was hard for me. Then I started having conversations with adult friends who knew them since childhood and were balking at the pronoun change. I found the courage to speak up and say “This is how I respect and support my child. It’s difficult, but I keep practicing.” They got it. Thanks for your insight and sharing your experience.
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So glad my writing helped you! And best of luck to you and your family. Your child is fortunate to have such a supportive parent.
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My own child literally just came out to me, I’m still reeling but immediately doing some reading up and found you. 💜 Just simply, thank you…
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I’m so glad.
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Your open mind Susan , and ability to accept changes make you a model of the new, embarrassing, supportive mom! A true inspiration. That’s how small things cause real changes in society’s behavior/attitude. You’re great!
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