Let’s do something about it. Now.
I spent last Sunday morning crying and screaming at the newspaper: Leave us alone!
The dog looked confused. My coffee got cold.
Why are they picking on my family? I thought. Erasing my children? Stoking fear?
The article was about transgender women in prison being housed with men.
It mentioned trans athletes and folks in the military.
My children are writers and students. They are not incarcerated. They are not athletes or soldiers. But some of them are transgender, so I pay attention when trans folks are targeted in any way.
You can shake your head and blame the new president and his supporters. You can say that you love my kids and stand by them no matter what.
I appreciate that sentiment, but it misses the point. Yes, I care because I don’t want people to hate my children. You should care too, whether you know my family or not.
Most Americans are either neutral or hostile when it comes to trans rights. This tiny population is an easy target, but we all need to pay attention.
I talk a lot about gender identity because it’s a topic that matters to me. But I care about all humans. And if you care about humans, you need to care about this, too.
If you are a parent, you know what it’s like to send your child out into the world. My children are young adults now. As teens, some of them began journeys that continue to this day, exploring gender, accessing gender-affirming health care, building communities of peers who support and celebrate one another.
Being trans is not an accident or something to mourn. It’s who they are.
When my oldest started first grade more than 20 years ago, I peeked into the classroom and marveled at the miniature desks. These children were becoming students, with backpacks and pencil boxes and notebooks. They were having experiences that we, as parents, would never share. Most of their days would be spent away from us, among people we wouldn’t know.
That separation continued into adolescence and adulthood in the healthiest way. All of my kids have friends and communities and resources that go well beyond their father and me. We taught them to care about themselves and others, to do their laundry and cook meals and be generous with their money, time, and skills. I like to think we taught them to be curious, to use good judgement, and stand by their convictions.
Beyond that, there’s not a lot a parent can do, other than to support them as best we can.
If this issue makes you uncomfortable, acknowledge that discomfort, then let it go. Trans people know exactly who they are. They are not misguided or confused. People often hate what they don’t understand. We can’t allow that. My children and their friends deserve the same respect and community as every other human on the planet.
Maybe you have trans children and you’re nodding along.
Maybe you don’t. To you, I say, imagine that this is your kid, and some important aspect of their identity is now the focus of ridicule, hate, and ignorance. Everywhere you turn, politicians, pundits, and random influencers are demeaning the people you love most for political, social, and economic gain. How would you feel?
All the fuss about trans girls and women taking opportunities and trophies away from cisgender people (those whose gender identity corresponds with the sex assigned to them at birth). Really? Do our children play soccer and softball only to win championships? What happened to sportsmanship and camaraderie? What happened to teamwork and generosity? Do you know what it means to a child – any child – to be accepted and embraced on a team?
Making their participation illegal is a distraction. It’s easier to be outraged about trans basketball players and swimmers than to support the children in our own communities.
Maybe you’re sympathetic, but you think the focus on gender in America has gone too far. Maybe you haven’t thought much about gender identity at all. Maybe you have other issues that matter to you more. You’re busy. Overwhelmed. Exhausted.
We’re all tired. I get it. But this is not the time to take a break from the news. We can’t wait and see what happens. We are seeing it. It is happening.
A recent executive order seeks to restrict gender-affirming care to anyone under 19. It would deny a child like mine medically-necessary hormones because their hospital receives federal funds, or their parent works for the government. Do you know how many children we are talking about? A tiny, tiny fraction of US youth. Do you know how much thought and reflection goes into deciding whether this, or any medical intervention, is right for a particular family? A lot. I know, because I’ve been there.
You may think this issue doesn’t affect you. You may think you don’t know trans people, but trust me, you do. They just haven’t told you, either because their gender is none of your business or because they’re afraid.
Make no mistake. This is a strategic test. Trans children and adults are among the first targets because this issue polled well among likely voters. Does that sound cynical? It’s not. It’s true.
The arguments about gender-affirming care for young people: Wait till they’re adults. Deal with their depression first, then look at gender. I’ve run through all of them and come to the same conclusion: People know who they are. We have to trust them, even children.
What we do with that knowledge in our individual families is a matter for another day. But to outlaw the medical and social supports that can make life manageable for a transgender child or adult? That’s horrifying and cruel.
Recently, one of my children – a kid who was so unhappy in adolescence it frightened me – told me how good she feels about herself, how comfortable she is in her body.
How many people do you know who can say that? Especially cisgender women?
The day after the election, that same kid told me she and her friends are worried that they could lose access to hormones if the US makes those medications unavailable. And yes, hormones are legit medicine. Lots of people take them for all sorts of reasons. They help keep my child alive.
Don’t feel sorry for my family. And don’t let yourself be paralyzed by exhaustion or fear.
Do something.
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Here are some places to learn more or donate time or money:
https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender
But what about those sitting next to us in the pews? How do we acknowledge, embrace and value one another? When our rabbi asked me to consider answering those questions with a new prayer, I spent months pondering the answers. I journaled about them, asked them aloud, and posed them to myself. I even searched the Internet. Surely someone had attempted this before. I found prayers celebrating disabilities and prayers for queer communities and mental health. But I couldn’t find one that asked me to slow down and pay attention to the assumptions I make about the people around me. 
Writing It Down 